i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize
