evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
