I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize