Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
