Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
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oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
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MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.