I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
