Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Randomize
