I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
high people should be assigned attendants
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
