defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
