you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
