u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
we're so committed to being not committed
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
