I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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