good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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