I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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