We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
