Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
