Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
