So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
