In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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