I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
