On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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