my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
