I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
The streets are paved with hand jobs
Randomize
