My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
