I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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