my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
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