made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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