Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Randomize
