it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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