My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
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