So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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