So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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