Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
