Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
