running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
