I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
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