I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
