Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
