I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
