I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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