Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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