I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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