Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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