I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Randomize
