I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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