after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
