I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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