and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
