why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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