Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
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