Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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