is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
