Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
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