i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
