I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
