and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
birth control should be required to get into college
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
