used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
