I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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