She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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